Attracting the Wrong People? Here’s Why and How to Stop
“Why do I attract the wrong guys?” “Why am I attracting wrong partners?” These are questions that I often hear many people, including my clients, say when they date. Prior to my marriage, I was also guilty of asking myself these questions. These questions are not bad, per se. However, these questions have one thing in common: the underlying tone. The underlying tone behind them indicates that you are the problem. While some may agree with that, it may be helpful to read a different view of it.
The Main Reason You Are Attracting Wrong Partners
As adults, we have choice. We can make decisions and go through whatever outcome may result out of them. While some may argue that we should know better when it comes to choosing partners, it may not be that black-or-white. Before I was trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, I read one of the books by the founder, Dr. Richard Schwartz, and Martha Sweezy. In the beginning of the book, Dr. Schwartz and Sweezy (2020) talk about the extent to which children strive to please their parents (pg. 36). Wanting approval from our parents is normal for us in childhood. However, when that leads to a craving, as the authors describe, it could result in the child believing the extreme messages about their worth (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020, pg. 37).
If, for instance, your parents have said or showed that you do not matter much, then our own internal parts will work around and lean into this belief. It may cause these parts of us to work very hard to prove their worth and be redeemed rather than feeling rejected or ashamed. This can look like parts of us working towards perfectionism, overworking in school or at work, helping others before meeting our own needs, and more.
But there is a caveat! No matter how hard our parts work to receive freedom from the extreme beliefs, that young part of us deep down still feels unworthy and of little value. Yes, we can sense that young part of us as adults. This brings us to the main reason why you may believe you are attracting the wrong partners. As adults, young parts of us will seek out partners who reminds us of the person who made us feel unvalued and worthless. In most cases, that person is a parent of ours. This is our parts’ way of trying to “redo” the past so that you can finally receive the love, validation, and acceptance you never did.
And so, these young parts, referred to as exiles in the IFS world, will influence the relationships we find ourselves in. We engage with partners who treat us similarly to how that person did. Partners may resemble that very person. In some cases, we may go back to that person, like a previous significant other, who robbed us of our self-esteem…even if it hurts and even if it is toxic and unhealthy. These exile parts of us believe that perhaps, this “redo” may result in us winning over someone who seems like the person who hurt us (like our parent). And this would mean that we finally have proved our worth and value, ultimately curing that wound. But…this truthfully only leads us into the cycle of pain instead of healing.
How Therapy Can Help You Stop Repeating Relationship Patterns
First and foremost, there are no bad parts of us. It makes sense that our exiles are seeking that redemption, especially because in our childhood, we expect our parents to meet our needs. When our emotional needs are not met, exiles will do whatever it takes, even if it means being in unhealthy and painful relationship patterns. When we get that awareness, this is when we can look at ourselves (our young exile parts) with compassion versus seeing ourselves as the problem. So, how can therapy help? I will speak on Internal Family Systems (IFS), of course, and Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART).
Internal Family Systems (IFS): It will be important for you to get to know the parts of you that are striving for that redemption, leading you into these painful relationship cycles. You, at your core Self, will be there to listen to these parts’ stories, including what they do for you, the reason these parts believe certain people you are involved with will “fix” things, and more. You will see the young one deeper inside who is carrying the burden of unworthiness. Your Self will help that younger one (exile) to un-burden, release, and heal the way he/she/they so deserve and need. Your Self’s compassion, confidence, curiosity, connectedness, etc. will bring so much revival, clarity, and love.
Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART): Through eye movements sets, the therapist guides you on how to reprocess the painful memories of the past (childhood and adulthood) and your emotions. It will get to the parts of the brain that have kept you trapped in the unconscious pattern of drawing into these unhealthy relationship patterns. You can have the opportunity to help your earlier selves who went through the pain of not being properly loved and valued as a child and as an adult. This can be healing for your whole nervous system, and you may no longer resort to those painful relational cycles.
Both therapies can guide you in bringing care to the versions and parts of you who have been seeking redemption but were instead burdened and overworked in trying to find love in the wrong people. By engaging in IFS and/or ART, you may be able to have a better sense of who you are and what you deserve in a relationship/partner. You can release the stronghold that the person who hurt you once had.
So, is it true that you are attracting the wrong people? I believe a better way to view this is to acknowledge that parts of you are seeking for love (and redemption) in the wrong people. These wrong people resemble the one who did not make you feel valued and worthy earlier in your life. This is not your fault. It just means that the younger parts of you need to know that there is a better way (and person): you. You are the one who can bring your earlier selves/parts the love, safety, acceptance, and stability they needed all along. That younger one is waiting for you.
References:
Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal Family Systems Therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.