Having Relationship Triggers? 6 Ways on How to Deal
In a world where we crave connection and community with one another, romantic relationships are no exception. Romantic relationships can fulfill several of our needs, like a sense of internal safety and physical intimacy. But it can take work. Sometimes, it can feel like it takes a lot of effort to develop and maintain. This is especially true when our individualistic society can push us to leave at the first moment something goes wrong. Because it is the joining of two different people with different life experiences, it can create anxiety for some adults. Becoming aware of what your triggers are can be helpful. You can learn how to deal with them to reduce how overwhelming your anxiety is throughout your relationship.
8 Common Triggers in Relationships
Here are some triggers that can activate an adult with relationship anxiety:
Feeling unheard or misunderstood: this is especially true when you and your partner are arguing. You may feel activated with frustration, anger, etc. because you do not believe your partner is truly hearing you. You may recognize that your partner is more focused on thinking of how to respond to you versus actively listening. There can also be instances that your partner misinterprets, whether on purpose or not.
Feeling under or unappreciated: you put a lot of effort in meeting your partner’s needs, but the lack of appreciation hurts. It stings because you may be going out of your way to make your partner content, but they may not recognize it.
Fear of abandonment: you are scared that one day, your partner will up and leave. You fear waking up to your partner telling you they no longer love you. So, you try hard to be careful of what you say and how you act and react in situations. There may not even be a threat some of the times, but you still have this fear.
Rejection: perhaps your partner has turned down any romantic, intimate, or social gestures you have initiated. This has left you feeling unwanted, sad, or lonely.
Lack of assurance: you desire assurance and your partner does not do so. Maybe your partner does not know how. This can affect how secure you feel in the relationship. Without the assurance, you feel worried that something will go wrong and work against your wants or needs.
Inconsistent communication: whether you are dating or in a committed relationship, inconsistency in communication can throw you off. If you are dating, your anxiousness can be activated if your partner goes hours without responding to you. If you are committed, sometimes the lack of depth in the communication will leave you feeling like you are roommates versus partners.
Inconsistent physical intimacy: if you are someone who desires physical affection and sexual intercourse, receiving it inconsistently from your partner can trigger unwanted feelings. These feelings can relate to loneliness, rejection, and lack of worthiness. Your anxiety can heighten if you do not know or can predict when the next time you both will be intimate.
Financial: the money talk can be difficult for partners, so at times, it can feel easier avoiding it…but the anxiety will linger. And as the anxiety lingers, it will get stronger. Maybe you or your partner are finding it hard to follow a budget. Some people can also be triggered if there is a drastic difference between how much you and your partner earn.
6 Ways on How to Deal with Triggers in a Relationship
So, what do you do when you have an idea of what triggers may activate your anxiety in your relationship? Here are some suggestions that can encourage you to manage and process them:
Notice what is going on in that moment and focus. Whether it is an argument or a simple observation you are making, just notice. What emotions are coming up for you? What sensations do you feel and where are they in your body? Are there any sensations around your body, like a heaviness blanketing over you? Emotions and sensations are very purposeful. They can alert us when something is off. There is a story behind these emotions and sensations that may need your attention.
Once you notice and sit with these parts of you, see if anything else comes up. Are there thoughts that follow? Do these thoughts follow logic, yet you do not feel they are true? Do these thoughts follow a certain anxious theme? What about any images? Are there memories that come to mind? See if any words come up. Do these words have any connection to something you have experienced before? Do these words relate to a theme?
Adjust your communication. We have heard of “I” statements, like “I feel hurt when you turn me down.” It is possible that these “I” statements are capturing a simplified experience you are having versus what is going on. You may feel hurt, but not all of you feels hurt. There may be other feelings you are having, and “I” statements may not account all that is going on internally. Also, “I” statements can sound accusatory and can send messages to your partner’s brain that will increase their defensiveness. Instead, using “parts” language may be most beneficial. You can say, “A part of me feels hurt that a part of you turned me down.” Do you see the difference? This also allows you to recognize when you use “you” that suggests the whole person versus parts of them present in the situation. “Parts” language captures the depth of how complex we may be feeling or sensing in a situation. For instance, you recognize “part” of you feels hurt, but “another part” of you acknowledges your partner may not have been aware of how they hurt you.
Explore where these triggers are coming from in therapy. Going to individual therapy for relationship issues can be helpful, especially to delve into potential root causes of these triggers. It is likely that these triggers may stem from earlier experiences in your life, like your childhood. Thus, your (adult) relationship is bringing these issues onto the forefront. Additionally, your therapist can help you in ways on how to tell your partner what you are noticing. Although they may not understand or have lived anything like your experience, see if they are able to reflect on what you verbalized.
Seek couples’ counseling. Your couples’ therapist can help you and your partner acknowledge and process issues in your communication, heated arguments, tension, conflicts in decision-making, and more. Some modalities that couples’ therapists use include Gottman, Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, and Intimacy from the Inside Out therapy.
Seek a financial advisor or counselor. Their expertise may help you and your partner become more comfortable versus worried or fearful about your financial future.
Recognizing triggers in your relationship is helpful in better understanding how these may activate your anxiety. These triggers can inform what you may need to explore within yourself. You can also see if externally if and what actions of your partner may be playing a role. No matter what, these triggers have a story to tell and can be worked on.