5 Reasons You Have a Fear of Trusting People and What to Do

I had written a previous blog on the importance of learning to trust yourself. Trust is a major deal within us, and with others. It may be hard to imagine a relationship or a friendship without trust. Or maybe it’s not hard to imagine – because you’ve been through it. You’ve been through the doubting, the unrest regarding someone else. Sometimes, it can feel difficult to assess why, while other times the reason is much more evident. Let’s dig in and understand why we have a fear of trusting people (and of course, what to do).

5 Reasons You Fear Trusting People

1. A lot of people can relate to this one: when a friend, partner, or relative hurt you. This can look in different ways (emotional, mental, physical). One of the most painful ways is someone cheating on you. Ugh, the heartbreak and the heartache. It can feel super hard to come back after infidelity. Other ways include someone you trusted exposing your secrets and trauma, such as intimate partner violence. The latter is a major topic itself, but in general, being in an IPV relationship will break trust. This is due to the physical, emotional, and mental pain involved.

2. Childhood upbringing. This, also, can look in various ways. If someone grew up with a neglectful parent, that person may have grown up to be very autonomous. Autonomy was their way of coping to manage through the lack of attention and time from their caregiver. If someone grew up with an abusive parent, the stress, anxiety, and pain it causes leads to fear and mistrust. Lastly, one’s parents’ relationship with one another can lead to fear of trusting others. Maybe you grew up with seeing conflicts between the two often. Or perhaps you had divorced parents, and you had to endure the two bad-mouth about one another. These examples can make anyone hesitant with trust if they didn't see a positive model of trust in a relationship.

3. Childhood or adulthood trauma. Events can include: sexual assaults or abuse, physical assault, robbery, exposure to others’ traumas (such as street violence). Because of the impact of these events, it can dysregulate your nervous system. It may have affected your view of others/the world, thus leading to fear of trusting others.

4. Feeling misled or judged in an organization. An example that some people go through is what is called “church hurt.” This is when someone feels hurt or misled by a church goer or leader. It can ultimately change one’s point of view of what church should be like – and even who God is. If someone's hurt in what's supposed to be a safe place, then how can that person learn to trust overall? It tends to steer people away from going to church in general.

5. Lastly, grief. Losing someone hurts. It’s extremely painful. Sometimes the loss can feel unbearable. Because of that immense pain, it is much easier not to invest in trust others. Why? Because by not completely engaging with and trusting others, you won’t feel that type of hurt again. It’s a form of protection.

5 Ways on How and Who to Trust

1. First, it'll be helpful to process the root factor of your fear of trusting others. Then, see how you can heal. Doing this may require professional help through a trusted licensed therapist. This is especially if you went through any of the 5 above reasons on why you have that fear.  Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) both help my clients get to that root.

2. Pinpoint what you value in a relationship. Does it include trust? More than likely – yes, it is. So, how does that look like for you? What would it mean to become trusting of others? This is specifically what behaviors would show that you are bringing that value alive. Something I ask my clients is, “If you were being recorded on a TV show, how would you be behaving? What would make me say, ‘Look, ___ is really trying to be more trusting.’”

3. Also, determine how you trust yourself. What are some qualities about you that signal you are trustworthy? Are these the same qualities you would want in a friend, relative, or partner? If so, perhaps this can be indicative on who you can trust. Additionally, assessing how you trust yourself can help you build confidence in your decision-making when it comes to trusting others. If you're having difficulty in identifying how/if you trust yourself, talk to a therapist to get to the root.

4. Think about when the last time was you felt safe in trusting someone. See what memory or moment pops up. Discover what sensation comes up when you do. Lean into that sensation related to that safe feeling of trust. See why that feeling and sensation existed at that time. Were there certain qualities of this person that signaled they are safe to be trusted? Could these qualities be discovered in others that you may come across? If so, again, this might be an indicator someone you know or will get to know can be trustworthy. If it's hard to think of a memory/moment of when you felt safe trusting someone, talk to a therapist. It may help to find the root cause of the lack of safety in trusting others ever.

5. Begin slow and gradual when you decide to begin a new friendship or relationship. For instance, learning to trust again after a bad relationship may take time. It is okay to go slow! Maybe your nervous system needs this to feel safe and grounded. With a gradual process, it gives you time to get to know someone without time pressuring you. It also increases your confidence in decision-making and discerning when, who, and how to trust others.

Trusting others (and finding the reasons to trust someone) can take time. Time may be what you need, especially if you have been hurt, misjudged, misled. It can feel impossible to trust again. With the right help from a therapist, you may find that you can do this. You deserve to have healthy connections with others that include trust.