6 Ways on How to Learn to Trust Yourself
Trust is essential in our relationships with others. We often hear that without it, a friendship or relationship will not survive. But we do not focus as much on trust within ourselves. Trusting yourself means feeling confident in your decision-making. It may also mean knowing your worth, valuing yourself. It’s not always easy. When we have depression or anxiety, it’s hard to feel secure. It’s hard to feel confident. Without feeling secure or confident, you don’t feel capable of making wise choices. You also don’t feel certain of who you are. Learning to trust yourself is possible, though.
4 Reasons You May Not Trust in Yourself
A major factor of depression is having a low self-esteem. Examples of symptoms may include lack of drive to do tasks and even things you once found joy in. Maybe you’re on the other end where you do tasks and fun activities, but it feels like you’re dragging. It feels like it’s a chore. You may even feel a void. Because of these, your self-esteem lowers.
Worry is so prevalent in people with anxiety. You worry about what feels like almost everything and anything. There is an ongoing fear that if you make the wrong decision, something bad will happen. I’ve seen people who are caregivers, hard workers, perfectionists, etc. that struggle with worry over their decision-making. If they decide not to do something (that they normally would), they’d blame themselves if desired outcome was not met.
Our childhood is a vital phase in our lives. Our caregiver/parent is the first figure we have in order to build trust and safety in the world. How we are raised may also determine how we form relationships as adults. There are several parenting styles, but we will focus on two types of parents. The first involves a parent who always made decisions for you. When a child learns that a parent will always decide for them, the child will grow dependent on that. Then, when it is time to “adult,” that person will fear having to decide on their own. They may seek for others’ approval. Additionally, they may be confused to the point that they will do nothing and wait for something to happen. Another type of parent is the one who did not recognize positive choices you made. When a child tries to become autonomous and make a decision, they may seek for the parent’s approval. If a parent criticizes and doesn't highlight what went right in the child’s decision, this can be painful. The child may believe that their choice is not the best or correct one. Therefore, the child grows into an adult who is fearful of making a choice. The person may make a choice, but could hyper-focus on what went wrong versus what went right.
It is common for survivors to blame themselves for traumatic events. Because traumas leave us feeling unsafe, if a person believes they are responsible for it happening, they won’t trust themselves. Most of the time, this is unjustified guilt.
6 Ways on How to Learn to Trust Yourself
Acknowledge those painful or intrusive thoughts. We might think it’s easier to avoid them, but avoiding won’t help in addressing what caused them.
Distance from those painful or intrusive thoughts. Usually, we may think that it’s a matter of simply reframing them to the “opposite.” For instance, people will encourage you to go from “I can’t trust myself” to “I know I can trust myself again.” Your mind may think it’s logical sense, but you, as a whole, may not be fully convinced. What will help is creating space for those thoughts and importantly, distance from them. Distance (not avoid) yourself from those thoughts and ensuring you feel grounded. This helps to create that separation. It will also help in you realizing those thoughts…are just words…and they can change. Distancing is a powerful reframing tool.
Imagining coping well even if a wrong decision is made. We tend to hold back on making decisions because our fear of something going wrong. We get stuck on that fearful outcome, but forget that we can develop skills to cope well if it happens. Coping well can mean anything from using grounding or regulation skills to making a list of past examples. Past examples can be times you made the wrong decision, but still came out of it (at least) okay. I use Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) to help my clients imagine and embody what it means to cope well.
Make a list of past times you made a wise decision. Every one of us have an inner wisdom. You included! Remembering times you made a wise choice demonstrates you are capable. It demonstrates you value both reason and emotion. Moreover, it shows that your wisdom is trustworthy. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) language, your Self holds that wisdom. Through the IFS therapy I do, clients learn how to be within your Self.
Practice mindfulness. For starters, this correlates to the previous tip. In order to reach that wisdom, you have to practice mindfulness. You are not ruled by what’s going on around you. Additionally, you are not trying to control what’s going on within you. You are aware of what’s happening internally, like thoughts and emotions. And you are aware of what’s going on in front/around you. Mindfulness will increase your ability to ground yourself and make wise decisions.
Create coping statements that show grace and compassion for yourself. I use the word “compassion” A LOT during sessions with my clients. We tend to show it to others, but forget that we deserve it, too. You deserve it. One way to create a statement would be to think an earlier/younger "you." Think of a time when you felt a painful emotion/thought or went through a painful event. Then, think of how hurt the earlier/younger you were. How and what would you say to nurture that “you?” Apply that to you now…because you, now, need it, too.
Learning to trust yourself is a much-deserved process to go through. It will help you feel confident within yourself and with the world around you. To know you are wise, worthy, and valuable is to know that you can trust in yourself. Whether things happened within or without your control, give yourself the grace you need. That type of understanding can lead to that trust you deserve. If you need support, seek a mental health professional, as this may further help you into developing that trust. This is especially if you have undergone relational stress or traumas, as mentioned above.